Merry Christmas
I am sitting here thinking about Christmas and realize that in 69 Christmases I have never had visions of sugarplums dancing in my head. I don't know if I have been cheated, shorted, or just lack the necessary j'en sais quoi for this to occur. Or maybe not enough egg nog or Tom and Jerries. Try again latter. After further thought on this matter I realize that I am not sure just what a sugar plum is. My first thought is that it is a reference to someone named Plum and referred to as Sugar, and played by Miss Piggy, but then I realized that the reference is plural so this doesn't work. Piggy leaves in a huff. Being Miss Piggy she leaves in a minute and a huff. I had never seen Miss Piggy with a cigar before. Or a mustache.
Now I know what a plum is, a close relative to a prune I believe, but we aren't going there. But a sugar plum has me stumped. Is it a plum coated in sugar, or a plum made of sugar? I can't quite believe it could be, or that I would want, something coated in sugar dancing in my dreams, leaving a sticky mess behind. Now I have been accused, rarely to be sure, but on occasion, of having a dirty mind. I have never, not even hardly ever, been accused of having a sticky mind. Sticky fingers, yes, but not a sticky mind. As I do not intend to turn over a new leaf, or plum as the case may be, any plum, sugar or otherwise, dancing in my dreams will have to be made of sugar, not coated. The problem now, as I see it, is to have a sugar plum that will not collapse into a pile of crystals after a pirouette. This would be embarrassing for both the plums and for me as I would have to explain the mess existing in my dreams and the plums would be left standing in their birthday suits with their pits exposed. The only way I know to solve this problem is to change the chemical composition of sugar. This is done by heating sugar to the appropriate temperature.
This must be done very carefully. On my first attempt the sugar is not heated hot enough, resulting in some very sticky, caramelized, plums. As a result, these caramelized plums soon resemble a line of Siamese twins who have joined the Rockettes. Not pretty. I had never thought of the Tar Baby from Song Of The South doing dance before. I was waiting for Brier Rabbit to appear but instead who should show up but Al Sharpton dressed as Uncle Remus. Imagine Zippy Do Da being sung in a Brooklyn accent. I don't like the sinister way he sings "wonderful", as in "My, oh my, what a wonderful day." Burning the sugar must be racist. OK, redo the sugar.
What we are looking for here is known as the hard ball stage. To reach this stage a certain, high, temperature must be reached. Now it is true that I have had a few, minor, mishaps heating things on the stove. These are announced by the smoke alarm going off, lights flashing, bombs bursting, and the fire department arriving in the rockets red glare. Any of you reading this who are about to phone my wife to warn her of the impending assault on her eardrums, not to worry. The batteries in the smoke detector haven't been replaced for years. Soon my plums resemble medieval knights clad in armor. This would be fine except that now they are jousting instead of dancing. The neighbors are calling to complain about the noise and the ASPCA wants to know how I am caring for the horses. PETA is pounding on my front door. The Serra Club is denouncing me on their web site.
It is at this point that Santa Claus drops down my chimney. This is very strange as my house doesn't have a chimney. After leaving sooty boot prints all over my carpet searching for cookies and milk, he puts his finger along side his nose and disappears leaving three lumps of coal in his place. With the coal is a bill from the EPA for the cost of the carbon tax I have incurred. In the mean time the sugar plums have quit dancing and are demanding overtime. It is at this time that I remember that all I wanted was a long winter's nap. This is what I get for staying up that Christmas a long time ago to watch The Twilight Zone.
Merry Christmas
Don
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Last year we said, 'Things can't go on like this', and they didn't, they got worse.
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25-12-19, 08:17 PM
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